I think the average person would be surprised how much baggage they carry around that doesn’t belong to them. And while trying to balance all of that shit and their own emotions regarding the situations that caused them to pick up the extra weight, they don’t even realize how heavy it’s gotten until it’s too late.
I’ve been there some years ago— A twenty one year old girl who had nothing else to live for. There is a difference between giving zero fucks and being numb to most stimuli. I ended up making reckless decisions that could have killed me long before I decided to take matters into my own hands. Bipolar Depression, they call it. Me? I just wanted to feel alive.
Nowadays, I recognize the signs. That’s not saying much when I still make choices that are immoral, irrational, and potentially dangerous. But I was getting better… a little.
On “Valentine’s Day” I celebrated the fifth year anniversary of my Great Grandmother’s death. It made me sit back and take stock of my life and I realized that I was still trapped in an unhealthy cycle of avoiding the things I have shoved into the darkness of my soul in favor or portraying this happy-go-lucky fun loving girl. I still tell people I’m fine when all I want to do is jump from a building so at least for a moment it will feel like I can fly— who cares about the potential impact with the ground?
But then, I had an epiphany of sorts. Just because I jump, it doesn’t mean I’ll hit the ground. If I let go of some of this shit I’m carrying around with me, I may actually be able to soar through the sky.
But that’s going to take some serious soul searching. I decided, once again, to isolate myself. Not like the past where I just don’t feel like dealing with people, but more of an assessment of myself and dusting out those scary corners in my mind & soul. I can admit I am afraid of them, mostly because of social stigmas and a ingrained fear of true freedom. But the way I feel now, I cannot keep living like this.
I cannot remain friends with people who don’t care enough about me to get to know me. I cannot associate with people who want to suck the energy out of me because they lack their own. I cannot allow the world I live in to bind my wings and weigh me down with their labels and expectations.
Point. Blank. Period.
And until I figure out who she is— who I am—I’m going to stay far away from other people.