The Burden of Change

Happy Summer Solstice. Here I am, yet again, trying to get my shit together. But Things aren’t as bad off as they were before. I’ve actually made a lot of progress since I last posted for the full moon. Progress, of course, is a slow process.

Speaking of progress, let me make a not so subtle and loosely synonymous reference to the subject of this post: GROWTH.

If you aren’t losing friends then you aren’t growing. That is a saying that I’ve heard along the last few years with no real speaker to accredit it to. I always thought it was a stupid way to put things because my circle was already so small that the people in it really don’t have much of a choice but to be there *insert creepy clingy serial killer best friend voice here* forever. But these last few months, I’m starting to realize that the more I educate and work on myself, the more I tend to pull away from these people in general because we are no longer like-minded.

I try to be neutral. One of my best friends is deeply religious, the other trying to find himself so he doesn’t have much of an opinion about anything, and the third… well I’m not quite sure what he believes in. This makes for an interesting round table discussion when things actually get deep enough for us to talk about our “beliefs” and hypothetical God forbid our “feelings“… *shiver* Ew.

When it comes to my religious friend, she is the closest to me thus far. We have been through SOOOOO much together, and sometimes, our relationship does tend to become strained. She tends to want to pray her problems away, and any advice I want to give her I am afraid it will offend her. So I tailor my words… and my message sometimes gets lost. I listen to myself and it sound either unsympathetic or like comforting her is wasting my time.  I have no doubt we will always be friends. She’s is supportive and understanding of my need to be a better me. It just makes me put things into a real life perspective that we may butt heads a lot as my journey continues. I’m still at the very beginning of my learning. What will happen when I start branching out and practicing crystal therapy, meditation, and herbal healing? Will she think the things I believe in are sacrilegious and could that be the end of something I thought infinite?

Then there is the buddy who doesn’t know what he wants to believe in. He’s the easiest for me to talk to, but I feel that he just kind of goes along with anything that’s said and has no real opinions of his own. Of course, I know this isn’t true, its like fear keeps him from voicing things and he kind of just bottles up his emotions as if I would judge him. Not to be cliche, but who the fuck am I to have anything to say about how he lives his life as long as he is healthy and happy? When I ask him to open up about what he is feeling, he tends to get emotional and we get lost in the healing. However, I appreciate his openness to accept what I attempt to share and teach. But on the flip side, my journey is mine… I don’t want to leave him behind but he will have to go on his own path. We may end in different places, but I feel we would both be better with a little soul searching. I can’t hold his hand and pull him along as I try to find me

And then there’s the last friend. Honestly, I’m not even sure if we are friends anymore. I can’t tell you at all what he believes in. He’s practically a closed book as far as emotions go and our relationship is rocky. I have had a few glimpses into him and I see the potential for him to be an amazing man. He is great for motivating me and keeping me on track, but I don’t really know who he is. I find myself so busy trying to figure him out that I forget that I’m working on me. But he’s good to debate things with. He may not be a free thinker, but he questions everything and I appreciate that about him because he makes me think. Out of everyone, I feel he will probably be the one to continue popping up in my life. He’ll probably brag to have a witch close to him instead of being afraid of what he doesn’t understand.

Basically, there is a burden that comes with change and growth. People say that “Your elevation may require your isolation” and I’m accepting that. Because at this point, my thinking is much like my favorite Angela Davis Quote:

“I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.”

And I am. I cannot accept this decrepit, stunted version of myself. I want more. I demand more.



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