War on Coconut Oil

So, I’m a little late to this party. But nonetheless, I just heard the most RIDICULOUS claim outside of the story of Jesus Christ. The American Heart Association claims that coconut oil is BAD for you. COCONUT OIL.

I’ll be specific. It was reported by the Dietary Fats and Cardiovascular Disease Advisory that [begin quote]:

“Because coconut oil increases LDL cholesterol, a cause of cardiovascular disease, and has no known offsetting favorable effects, we advise against the use of coconut oil.”

Annnnnd, end quote.

Is anybody else trying to figure out what the fuck that even means? And who the fuck are the Dietary Fats and Cardiovascular Disease Advisory? They sound like a bunch of bitches to me.

Okay, let me be serious. We all know that most of the foods endorsed and labeled as healthy are actually some of the worst and most toxic things we can put in our body. For example, there are a lot of unhealthy vegans out there consuming unordinary amounts of Soy products that lead to cancer, but I’ll write about that another day. This is about the AHA and their war on coconut oil.

Now, I am a melenated goddess that falls to my knees and worships coconut oil. I mean, seriously, what can the Holy Grail not fix? Your edges? Rub it on and BAM, they grow back. Your gut? Eat a little bit and BAM, you start losing that bloat. Your relationships? Massage it in your skin and BAM, you’re glistening and Bae wants to eat you like a Krispy Crème donut. I’m just saying, coconut oil is the shit.

So what’s the reason the AMERICAN Heart Association is pulling out these missiles of “facts” against something PROVEN good for us and using big, hard to understand language that has us scratching our heads?

Simple.

Coconut oil doesn’t make America money.

And at the end of the day, America is a corporation, right?

Let’s take a minute and think about this logically. There is nowhere in America with a stable enough climate to mass produce coconuts, but what we do have is an abundance of grain. So the American Heart Association all of a sudden releases this statement saying “Woah there American people, who we brainwash on a regular basis, don’t believe the hype. Coconut oil is BAD for you. It will give you HEART DISEASE, and TRUST US, you don’t want that. Instead, why don’t you eat this healthier oil, VEGETABLE OIL, and just ignore the fact that there aren’t actually any vegetables in it. TRUST US. It’s better for you.

Insert “Da Fuck” Gif here.

You know what American Heart Association, you got me fucked up. I’m going to continue on using my coconut oil on everything while you continue to kill your “citizens” for profit. Thanks.

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